A non-human aptitude check on Indian governance- retrospective analogies are drawn in to savour a colourful political jest…..
Murky Nostalgia: Thinking of humanity, I am one of many objects that humans pay for my service to their kind. Not all can boast of having bent god’s most intelligent creatures to reach for us. ‘Oh, have I acquired the recent political credit-taking-flu. Nah! It’s just after ages of proud existence, the non-human me has begun doubting myself or maybe I am suffering from the human-life-end paranoia of being not enough as a cleaning resort.
Don’t you bother with your hiccups as soulful humans have long back entered the non-feeling realistic zone with their SGS (Scion Gandhi Standard) kinda maturity, so we have mutually switched our reasoning goals? Lord for underage-politics sake, humans have to rewire themselves as this SGS trolling be the discussions on the cot or stand-in-line bank cash initiative to unfateful Akhilesh-camaraderie is affecting the non-thinking class that are in equal scrutiny as much as my sweeps, how far- fetched covering each shukkar-to-nukkad! Bless the bearded-white-kurta looks aced with poor-hugging ideology; once rivals now feel at par with SGS for every responsible mess!
Broom Dooms: With clinkering defeat in Punjab, I lament how humans belong to same species yet are different as an individual, uniquely meant for a purpose. Keeping politicians & actors out of this league ‘Kyunki neta ka beta abhineta toh abhineta ka neta and vice-versa ho sakta hai.’ This, of course, is to be figured out before they die for normal janta but before elections for above-normal janardhans. It’s the post-election loss that reminds me of success-failure experiences that sum up human journey- that they fondly refer as life.
Different I agree, so are we evolved from a simple bunch of twigs and haystacks to vacuum pumps, the aspect of purposeful existence is what I actually disagree about humankind. Do they really think about what impact each one could have as themselves? I dare not-to-touch any god to believe we were better off leading a purposeful life, more justified in society for what we offer –a cleaner surrounding. However hard the next day might seem, determined to continuously deal with the same dirt-spit-filth so-called privileged humans are never tired of assembling. You might be thinking why a goddamn jhadu is giving us its opinion, ‘Of course, why shouldn’t I, am also part of world’s biggest democracy (subject to conditions if-I-was living).’
Dusting Hopes: Like every era has its fickle excitement, I have had mine when we were made to represent a very unconventional political party. Life was full of dharnas-and-anshans then came my first sweep task in clean-hell. We reached the national capital and once again humans lost it to settle for never-arriving hope. Realizing how I prefer, humans talking over humans working, for the latter kind are disappearing in the age of pro-promise politics. I get all teary eyed not because I’m reminded of our symbolic let down as Adam Aaj Party’s resolutions but for my reputation that is constantly being put at stake for every high to low profile sneeze.
Considering this a highly challenging time for we brainless entities, a party symbol representing nation’s capital is far beyond respect we couldn’t afford even with million sweeps. What gets me nervous is not being able to stretch enough as the ultimate safai-weapon for every thought of human mess be it for sanitation or corruption, the poor or rich; my so-called non-living existence is yet to come to agreeable terms with Indian mannerisms. Corruption brought masses to streets for once I thought Gandhi topi and myself together can relive the 1940’s magic again.
Long-term learning teaches that picking topics of corruption, poverty, unemployment is easier, even easier is the mudslinging regime by the chosen ones. But when it comes to taking steps- it’s a call for mayhem thereafter. Phoenixed from Manmohak-silence to Modivating over-animated times, if demonetization was a step taken forget to brief correctly or a proper parliament discussion not for people, not for the country but for the fear of digitalized jhaadus or rather denying their take on party-comes-first-sake; couldn’t do in our term, neither let anyone be the policy.
Talking of my Delhi stint, it’s unfair to load on such a valuable piece of the invention (Punjab- a badly done homework). Yes, calling myself valuable doesn’t give me an easy entry in the Braggadocio Jalebi Pantry. After their stupendous saffron upsurge in Uttar Pradesh, taking the limelight off the fact that whatever they try to make in this pantry ends up to have a jalebi midpoint (pointing towards previous Con-shresh party couldn’t do).
Rinky-Dink Wash: Suddenly aware of how much of ‘I’ that has been used to address my state of anxiety which is seriously again a non-human concern no matter how much we do; acknowledging and appreciation will be superficial until I am alive and once I reach my end would have a fancy new replacement. This is the way I see life. Before I go, wish to be more of use than humans, to my country and fellow brothers. Striking sentiments is the best surgical operation performed by every party as once in a lifetime endeavour. ‘I, me and myself standards are the motivational thing that drives aspiring politicians, you see!
Don’t believe me, examples: Mentally-Not-Stable party passionately working on Valentine’s day and any P-word (Pakistan)stimulus, Holi celebration turned upside down for Saanjhi-wadi party (as they no longer make it all in family) to come what may pop-culture Amma-DMK fused with Aa-kali-DJ-di party that can dare sing another tune sooner (P.S. Rajani allowed).
Remember Stree-na-bhool throwing industrialists for land-votes mightier than job-antics. Ma-party-over-mati bhalo because of poverty, talking about poor giving them all it takes to remain one should be the only blindfolded bandh games, this West or only Bengal can march to Delhi for (Modon-Sharada drop silence over grave child trafficking whispers, its small a topic- life over cash!). Do out of box or late by an era thing, grab the never slept public by eyes be it water issues, electricity or Dalit issues all of which might be issues to be worked upon since independence ( better say a substantial amount of work done as there’s an anti-national tagging in fashion). While they keep busy with land-food- water (such humanitarian) issues, ‘Sahi hai ek machar’ comes in action as progressive human vigilantes with dengue-chikungunya-malaria with no state preferences of course. Ideal enough left with advice to slip in swadeshi jeans, burn desi mosquito coils and sleep tight for the longest possible season for common sense to hit back. By the time I mop, they already launch cricket shoes in the market to prevent no-balls!
Pious pickings: In a wholesale market where I was once sold out, had my second sweep of free wisdom. The shopkeeper was thanking the lord for the increase in sales, ‘Cleanliness is next to godliness’, he said to his wife could be their store tagline. It dawned upon me how this association with god was the cause why simple things like cleanliness has become complicated like religion, debatable with its significance reduced to bloat-to-burp-and-belch opinions.
We are trying to live with well half of the Indian population that start the forehead-to-throat touching exercise when stumbled upon us as the lord-fearing-lot believe us to be Goddess Laxmi’s avatar and the other half hang us outside doors for good luck. ‘It’s the population spurt dear, don’t you see,’ the next to godliness doesn’t make us feel better anymore. As fellow jhadoos suggest India might be the world leader in terms of human strength for sure and therefore exponentially worsening our working conditions.
Logical enough if they can discuss language, colour even animal rights as issues then it’s about time anybody saner (or sinner) chooses population to enrage affecting broom community. Radio and television channels should be running segments with us as experts on discussing how lesser humans would equal lesser mess thereby reduce the broom workload. I swear to every breathing tree left, I am already feeling so relieved just with the thought of population control campaigns in India. With Barkharnab-exit, our jhaado placard holders going against humans, ‘Ab bas bhi karo, Na chalega ek na do!’
Mopped Reasoning: Human urge and control are the words still on the way to Indian discovery. To spit or put one’s fly down to pee is a freedom right. That freedom for which they fought for a hundred years, democracy comes as a long overdue. Democracy allows indulgences of forgetting the rich cultural heritage which this glorious nation is still trying to put in one frame. How intolerant it might seem to withhold onto even a mouthful of words, be it a troubling cough or in some special cases paan or tobacco unleashing in public. That is so liberating! All the garbage- scraps, packets and peels can’t be within the periphery of their homes but throwing at the neighbour’s is the childishness every Indian adult refuses to part with.
Scribbling on buses or monuments, public property treats to pen immortal Romeos (v/adj. Shakespearean-slang) of today. With uncountable Nirbhayas reduced to candlelight marches, their urge to abuse, eve tease, molest and violent engagements remain just long withheld outbursts of Indian freedom. Domestically I am assumed to be female propriety so if a man tries to use me for jhaado like women do, the mohalla would go gaga over his manliness, may be mothers would come snatching it to protect their son’s masculinity. Gladly we still remain a feminine association for frustrated mother-wives rescue as their kids-husbands get thrashed in lieu of any injustice; thankfully my qurbaani is somberly utilized as a mild punishment.
Getting to the crevices: While serving humanity last few twigs of my stature splits away in shame when child rights, malnutrition and education- things I can think of now, cannot sketch a dream-worthy future. Oh, please don’t think of me as one in Nobel peace anticipation or a social activist as I have failed badly because never has a Neta made it a political uprage nor any Non-neta anticipated it as a full-time endeavour.
I approached a politician who mistook malnutrition as Manchurian and strongly inferred Chinese links to it. Speaking of rights-questioned me on being Right-or-Left wing supporter and education as not his ministry. From the US -Trumponomics crash course for aspiring politicians, I found the key- talking about people’s biggest insecurities, supporting and flagging them as your political manifesto can lead to any dump victory. Who would have thought that national party’s symbol would come to life with its trust in politics?
Shelved Trash: At last I have whisked to provide iconic cleaning services these days. Thanks to the stars and politicians posing with us, we make headlines due to the riveting ‘Switch Broom Campaign’. Apart from posing we have made our presence felt in social media through facebook with ‘Safai ho na ho, gali-gali wifi-ka naara ho!’ Amidst all this paparazzi there is only one man that made us feel any good- Mahatma Gandhi.
In times of twitter update like short-lived gratitude, this very nation where Bapu gave his life for independence; for not distinguishing people for colour or classify them as the kind of work they do, unfortunately only to be reduced to chapters in constitutional books. It’s left undone where he began right from cleaning one’s own loo (building them first can take another decade) to the initial concept of fasting (unlike now as political-agenda-manvao-tool), making your own stuff to being independent, loving, non-violent so as to transcend to a world where ultimately everyone will have to share the same room of deeds. ‘Wait if you meant Almighty’s abode- I have my plans, moving to Mars at 50 (no room for brotherhood), tweaked my old haystack friend interrupting that they were no more in use even in villages so taking inspiration from a Famous Patel from Bapu’s land to catch attention of suave new broom companies who have stopped making their kind.
Filed crap-sheet for disowning the age-old gratitude by conventional jhaadoo committee. I with all gross in the head could only suggest that if one is not in two minds for working hard (imagine caste/quota being no longer a career swipe card) then where is the harm in letting go of previous reservations upgrading our D-VIP values (dormant volcanic Indian proprietorship). Humans have pigeoned themselves, ‘Politicians aayenge jaal bichayenga, vaado ka daana dalenge,’ and they fall for it each time just like the Indian fables we take pride but no learning yet. Alas, the fact remains we Indians are too much into a Messiah theory, that one day a man with extraordinary (or simply political) powers will come to lead them through their miseries until then don’t throw away your mess, hoard it for a magic that in future someone can turn into gold!